


left-handed

by thekardemomme



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Breaking Up & Making Up, Flashbacks, M/M, Non-Chronological, Post-Break Up, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-22
Updated: 2019-03-22
Packaged: 2019-11-27 23:20:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18200351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thekardemomme/pseuds/thekardemomme
Summary: even always asks questions he doesn’t want to know the answers to.





	left-handed

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: the behavior in this fic is not always healthy! you might not like the characters! you might not understand why i wrote them a certain way or doing certain things. that’s okay! sometimes, we can be shitty. sometimes, we do toxic things. sometimes, most of the time, we’re not perfect. sometimes, we hurt people. this isn’t meant to romanticize or condone any of their behavior, just simply to say this happens, and even our fav characters can be shitty. 
> 
> that being said, i hope you enjoy :)  
> fic is inspired by and titled from a poem by tom leveille

there wasn’t anything particularly special about the day that it started.

sure, perhaps the whole thing had been culminating for a while, but it’s not like even had planned it. far from it, really. it just sort of happened on its own, and even was just… there for the ride.

it was warm outside, more so than normal for late april, and isak had decided to take advantage of it. he’d gone out all day with his friends while even opted to stay home and work on his coursework for the following week. everything was fine.

it was a saturday.

isak got home around 4pm with sun-kissed cheeks that burned a bright pink and he’d kissed even more than a couple of times in greeting, going on and on about the fun he and the boys had. even listened intently and asked questions in all of the right places, and then worked on finishing up his work while isak took a shower.

it was after that, and it was after dinner, and after four episodes of _breaking bad_ that they got into bed and curled up together and talked about nothing and everything. it was then that it happened.

“do you believe in soulmates?” he asked, drawing light circles on the bare, tanned skin of isak’s right shoulder.

he’d heard isak’s parallel universe theory, and countless other things to do with issues like love at first sight, but he’d never known this. he waited for isak to say yes, patiently and quietly.

isak said, “no, i don’t think so.”

and even’s world froze.

//

“have you met someone?” even asked, when he and isak ran into each other at the kaffebrenneriet seven weeks after the breakup.

most of even’s life at that point was orchestrating things to avoid running into isak, but, well. oslo isn’t that big. it was bound to happen. the fact that they went seven weeks was a miracle in and of itself, if he’s being honest—it probably just means that isak was trying to avoid him, too.

isak looked over his shoulder at the boy waiting for his coffee, a weird expression on his face.

the boy was beautiful. nothing like even. he was brunette, with scruff, and he looked as though he played some type of sports. he also looked shorter than isak, and perhaps more… built? he looked like everything even wasn’t, complete with the neurotypical brain (probably) and the lack of, well, everything that made isak stop loving him.

“yeah,” isak said, and even forced himself to smile, though he’s sure it came out as a grimace. he hated that he couldn’t be happy for isak. he wanted to be, he really did. isak deserved happiness. just, you know, he liked to think that he did, too. and he hadn’t felt happy in months. “look, i– i barely know him, right now, and–”

“hey, you don’t owe me anything. i’m happy for you.”

isak forced a smile, one that says _i know you’re lying to me,_ and even should’ve known. isak’s always known him better than anyone else in the world, even himself.

“thank you,” isak murmured.

//

isak slammed the door to the apartment open and it shook the whole room, like an earthquake. even barely caught it before it had time to hit the wall and leave a hole, and he shut it carefully so as not to disturb the neighbors.

“that was fucking humiliating,” isak snapped, storming through the room and ripping off his coat and shoes, throwing them haphazardly around. his keys, which he tossed from his pocket, nearly broke a lamp. “i can’t _believe_ you.”

“i’m sorry,” even insisted, because he was.

“you know i’m not your– your– your fucking _property._ you don’t own me. you don’t just get to walk around fucking parties and piss on me to mark your goddamn territory.”

even bristled. it wasn’t like that, is the thing.

even knew he had jealous tendencies. and he worked really hard to tamp them down, to bury them beneath the feeling of security he had in how much isak loved him. most of the time, it worked. he could watch isak be hit on and be confident that he was going to tell the boy or girl that he had a boyfriend, even if his stomach tingled with stinging nettles as it happened.

sometimes, though, it didn’t. like when the boy leaned in to kiss isak’s cheek, and didn’t seem to take isak’s steps backwards as an answer.

he wasn’t isak’s knight in shining armor, though. and he knew that. isak is an adult who can take care of himself, and even didn’t need to make a scene. he got why isak was embarrassed, he really did.

his skin itched with the feeling of nettles.

he stepped closer. “i’m sorry, baby. i really didn’t mean to embarrass you. it’s just– i saw him making a move and i saw you backing up, of course, it’s never been– i’ve never thought you would ever do something like that to me. ever. but you kept stepping back and he kept following you and i just–”

“had to step in and save the day?” isak snapped, and even nodded meekly. there was no use in telling isak it wasn’t like that, because really, it was. “great. well i’m so fucking glad that you stepped in and told everyone in a twenty foot radius that i belong to you.”

“isak…”

“look, i’m drunk, you’re drunk… we just need to sober up and then talk about this then. neither of us are in our right minds. things are just going to get blown out of proportion.” he stripped out of his clothes without saying much else, but even took it for what it was. he was going to sleep.

even followed his lead, stripping down to boxers and then laying in bed. they laid silent for a long, long time before even gathered up the courage to say what’d been bothering him since they left that party.

“isak?” he murmured, and isak hummed blandly. even gulped hard. “why did… why did he look so surprised to hear that you have a boyfriend?”

the sheets crinkled under the movement of isak as he turned to face even. it was too dark to see properly, but even could feel the glare. “goodnight, even.”

//

even pulled his phone out of his pocket, checking all of the candles in the room to make sure there was no fire hazard before he turned his back on them.

mikael answered on the second ring. “hello?”

“mikael, it’s me. um. is jonas with you?”

“yeah,” mikael confirmed. even’s heart sank to the bottom of his chest. “why?”

even cleared his throat, “is isak there, too?”

“yeah.”

even pressed his eyes closed. he willed the lump out of his throat, and tried to keep his voice from cracking when he spoke again. “oh. i thought he would be home by now,” he murmured, then turned back around to look across the dinner he’d spent nearly all afternoon preparing.

most of the food was cold.

“um, can you pass on a message?” he requested, and mikael agreed. “could you just tell him that i won’t be home when he gets here? just so he won’t worry.”

_just like i’ve spent the last two hours worrying about him._

“yeah, bro. where are you going?”

even looked over the candles once more, and turned his back to it again. his cheeks heated up as he flooded with embarrassment. of course isak forgot. of fucking course. “my mom’s for a few days, i think,” he admitted. “i can’t really stand to be home right now. don’t tell him that, though.” he paused, mulled it over. “or do. i don’t care.”

there was a lot of rustling, as though mikael was leaving a room. even strained to try and catch any snippet of isak’s voice in the background, though he heard nothing but mikael’s breathing and heavy footsteps as he left whatever room he’d been in.

“is everything okay between you two?” mikael asked, voice hushed like he was trying to avoid being overheard.

usually, even would appreciate it. but he found that that time, he didn’t particularly care if isak heard everything he said.

“today is our anniversary,” even said, and his voice _finally_ cracked, right down the middle, like a broken heart. “i spent all afternoon making this really special dinner for him and– i don’t know, it’s dumb. just, can you tell him i won’t be here?”

“it’s your fucking anniversary?” mikael snapped, and even nodded even though mikael couldn’t see him. “oh, my god. dude, i’m gonna– isak!”

“mikael, no–”

“bro,” mikael said, and even swore as he realized that he was listening to mikael confront isak live, in real time. and isak didn’t know that even was listening. he could’ve said almost anything. “it’s your fucking anniversary, bro. even’s sitting at home waiting for your stupid ass.”

there was a pause, and then, “fuck!” and a bunch of clamor as though isak was scrambling around to try and get up and make it in time. “fuck, fuck, fuck. i’m such an idiot, he’s going to be so mad. mikael, do you think he’ll be mad?”

“uh, duh.”

“shit. god fucking damn it. i have to come up with an excuse, i can say–”

with that, even hung up. he didn’t want to hear anymore.

when isak arrived home thirty minutes later, even was still there, but his bags were packed. he could tell that the message had been passed along when isak barely spared his suitcase a glance before walking right over to even and cupping his cheeks between his palms.

“i am so sorry,” he said instantly, and even blinked.

“okay.” he didn’t ask where isak was or why he was late, and isak didn’t offer up whatever excuse he’d come up with.

even didn’t go to his mother’s, either.

//

“i don’t know how to do this,” even said, his despondent gaze landing on yousef. “tell me how to do this.”

yousef laughed, but there was no humor in it. “you think i know? man, if i knew…” he took a sip of his water bottle, and even watched the movement and wondered what it would be like if they’d been drinking beer.

“i don’t know how to– how to exist if it’s not with him.”

“you’re doing it right now.” yousef shrugged, reaching over to rest a gentle hand on even’s knee. “you’re better off without him, even. these last few months, you two have been destroying each other. you know? and, like, maybe it won’t be forever. maybe there will be a day when you two fall back into things, or maybe there won’t, but… but you can say that you tried, and you loved him with all that you had, and that’s enough.”

“it wasn’t enough. if it was enough, we’d still be together. fuck.” even kicked the coffee table with the toe of his shoe.

yousef sighed, “look, it’s going to hurt for a while. it’s impossible to know how long. but you’re going to get through it. heartbreak is– it sucks, but it isn’t forever. sometimes life doesn’t work out the way we want it to, and yeah, sometimes it seems like the end of the world. but it isn’t. hey, look at me. it _isn’t.”_

“then why,” even queried, “do i feel like i’m going to die without him?”

“because you’re hurting. and that’s okay. but you won’t feel like that forever.”

“so you keep saying.”

even didn’t mean to be rude, but he didn’t think yousef understood. he and sana had a rough start, sure, but they were together. and they were solid. probably getting married one day. they were a sure fucking thing.

of course, people thought that about him and isak, too.

as it was, though, yousef hadn’t  just had his heart ripped out and then stomped on. he wasn’t learning how to live without the one person who made getting up worth it, he wasn’t feeling his lungs fill up with god-knows-what until he felt like he wouldn’t be able to breathe until he hears isak’s–sana’s–voice.

all even loved, he loved alone. and now he got to hurt alone, too.

//

even was drunk. he didn’t remember the last time he spoke to isak sober.

he dialed isak’s number. it rang, and it rang, and it rang. isak didn’t pick up. even didn’t really expect him to.

but he hung up and called him again and again, so many times that he _knew_ it had to have woken him up by then if he wasn’t awake already. and he wondered if isak was staring at his phone, waiting for him to give up, not having the heart to decline but not wanting to answer.

on the twenty-second call, he went to voicemail immediately. he decided to leave one.

“isak, i fucking hate you,” was his opener, and he wouldn’t have been surprised if, in the morning, isak heard that and deleted the voicemail without listening to the rest. “i do. i fucking hate you. because you’re out there with– with that fucking _guy,_ and you told me you didn’t even know him but i saw how you looked at him, you absolute liar. i know i said you didn’t owe me anything but fuck, i lied, too. i want a fucking apology. i want– i want to know why i wasn’t good enough. i want to know why you don’t love me anymore, isak, fuck, why don’t you love me anymore?”

he didn’t expect an answer, but he was kind of happy when he woke up and found no notifications from isak. he didn’t want to know the answer to his questions.

//

even paced around the room, biting his nails anxiously. isak had been gone since 4:52pm exactly, and it was 4:52am. it’d been 12 hours since isak said goodbye and kissed the crown of his head, and even didn’t know when he was coming home.

 _isak, please tell me you’re okay at least,_ he texted, but the message got delivered with no response, just like the others he’d sent.

his stomach was in knots. he really didn’t want to be that boyfriend, the overbearing one, but he was nervous. he was fucking nervous. about ten seconds and one more unanswered text from going out to look for him.

_answer your fucking phone._

of course there was no response, so even started slipping on shoes and a coat. it was cold outside, which worried him more–isak could’ve been freezing to death, drunk and passed out on the sidewalk. he moved that much quicker as he tucked his wallet and his keys in his pockets.

as he pulled open the door, he found isak standing there, fumbling with the keys. anger boiled in his stomach but relief overtook it as he pulled isak in for a hug, trying very hard to bite back any tears.

“woah!” isak yelped, but hugged even back. “is everything okay?”

“i was fucking– i was _worried_ about you,” even breathed, pulling isak in and quickly assessing him for any signs that something was wrong. he found none, other than the frown on isak’s face. “you could’ve called or texted and told me you’d be home late. i’ve been texting you all night, i had no idea where you were or who you were with.”

isak’s frown deepened. “i was just with the boys. we lost track of time, fell asleep. i woke up and came straight home. my phone was dead. see?” he pulled out his phone, showed even it wouldn’t turn on.

but it didn’t make him feel any better.

“you’re lying,” he said simply. isak looked shocked, and then outraged, at the accusation. “you honestly think i would let you be missing for 12 hours without texting your friends? jonas told me you weren’t with him. he hasn’t seen you all day, isak.”

isak’s eyes went wide.

“why are you lying to me? where were you?”

for the first time probably ever, isak was left speechless.

//

“fuck isak valtersen,” even mumbled, and mikael hummed in sympathy. “i love him so much.”

“i know you do,” mikael whispered.

“it’s like… i keep falling in love with him, over and over again. and he always said the same thing. and now it’s like he messed up one time, like the universe’s algorithm fucked up and instead of falling in love with me again, he just– he didn’t. am i not good enough?”

mikael wrapped his arm around even’s shoulders, pulled him in for a cuddle. “just because all of this happened doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. i don’t think it’s possible for him to not love you. just, you know, things didn’t work out. and that’s okay. it’s nobody’s fault, sometimes life just happens. love is a choice, you know, and isak just made the choice that this wasn’t what he wanted anymore. and i know it hurts like hell, but one day you’re going to find someone who always makes the choice to love you. and you’ll finally be loved in the way you deserve to be, in the way isak never could. so it’s not to say he didn’t or doesn’t love you, even, he just… he just couldn’t love you the way you wanted him to. you did the right thing for yourself, in the end.”

“i don’t care how he loves me,” even protested, “just so long as he always does.”

that’s always been enough.

//

even’s date tipped his wine glass to his lips, the wine staining them red. “do you want to do this again sometime?” even asked, and his date smiled almost placatingly. even felt impossibly guilty.

“i don’t think that’s such a good idea,” he said quietly, and even looks down. “what’s on your mind?” he asks, and even wanted to ask if he really wanted to know.

“a lot of things. i’m sorry.” he knew he was not being fair to that guy. he was a perfectly good guy, and he liked even, and seemed genuinely interested in just making even happy. it wasn’t his fault that it didn’t work and would never work.

“don’t apologize.”

even shrugged, “i feel as though i’ve wasted your time.”

“wasted it? no,” the guy laughed. “if anything, i think this date has been incredibly beneficial. i got a free meal and you’ve discovered that you’re still in love with him. we both win in the end, hm?”

even wanted to ask how he knew even was still hung up on someone, but he didn’t.

instead, he said, “i didn’t have to discover that. i’ve always known.”

//

today, even stands in front of isak, hot tears already streaming down his cheeks because he can’t hold them back anymore.

isak had come over ten minutes ago and it’s the first time they’ve intentionally seen each other since they broke up.

isak is crying, too.

“i miss you,” isak whispers. “i know i– i know i hurt you. and i know me asking you if you could love me again is fucking stupid. if i were you, i would’ve kicked me out a long time ago, but… god, even, that fucking _voicemail._ i’ve played it everyday since you sent it and i can’t get it out of my mind.”

“what about it?”

“that you thought i didn’t love you.” isak swipes at his cheeks, makes an aborted motion like he’s going to reach for even, and then drops his arms to his sides. “i’ve always loved you. i love you so much i don’t know what to do with it sometimes. i think i just got… complacent. like, i thought you were always just this sure thing, you know? i took you for granted because i thought you’d always just be there, and then one day you weren’t, and i was so angry with you for leaving me that i… i wouldn’t let myself accept that it was my fault. i’ve been so fucking stupid and such an asshole and you deserve so much better than me. i guess it makes me selfish too, then, because i’m going to ask you for another chance anyway. please, even, i’ll do anything. name your price and i’ll match it, i’ll double it, i’ll–”

“isak, stop,” even interrupts. isak freezes, the words die in his throat and his eyes brim with a new set of hot tears. “you don’t have to do all of this.”

“i’d do anything for you.”

“i know,” even whispers. “but i have to ask you something.”

“anything.”

even gulps, and says, “do you believe in soulmates?”

at that, isak nods frantically, and tears start slipping down to his chin. “yes, yes, god, yes. i do, i fucking do. because through all of this, despite everything between us, there’s nothing i’ve wanted more these past few months than to be right here with you. you’re my soulmate, even, my– what’s that quote? whatever souls are made of, his and mine are the same. that’s what you are to me, even, you’re a part of me. and i took you for granted and i’m so so sorry that–”

“just come kiss me.”

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr: @elullemant


End file.
